FUNNY STORIES AND JOKES


How To Deal With Dutch People

(1) Many foreigners call everything Dutch…well…'Dutch'. Don't! The word Dutch reminds Dutch people of the word Duits which is used for Germans and other things he dislikes. A Dutch person is a Hollander or a Nederlander.

(2) As a foreigner, don't ever try to speak Dutch. Not only will you get an enormous headache but the Hollanders will not understand what you mean. Foreigners are supposed to speak English or Gibberish. In the latter case they will be an easy target for pickpockets since they will not be able to talk to the police.

(3) Don't ever try to eat 'drop'. (Dutch Licorice) Drop is a sort of candy that can only be eaten by Hollanders. It can be recognized by the colour: black. The taste is a blend between earwax and paint (black). Hollanders absolutely adore the stuff and eat many kilo's of it. There is a nationwide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners that were made to believe the stuff is actually edible.

(4) Don't buy wooden shoes. They will look completely ridiculous. Which is the reason they will try to sell them to you. A Hollander himself would not want to be found dead wearing them.(Preferably a Hollander doesn't want to be found dead at all).

(5) Don't make holes in the dikes. Such behaviour is commonly disapproved and in extreme cases it can get you stoned by wooden shoes. But feel free to put your finger in the dike if you feel the urge. It will at least get you a few laughs from the natives.

(6) A Hollander is always right and he knows it. With this in mind it is very easy to cope with most Hollanders. If you ever get in an argument with a Hollander, tell him he was absolutely right and that you now realize how wrong you were. Now he will go crazy: Since you're a foreigner, you can never be right. You agree with him, therefore he couldn't be right. Impossible. He's a Hollander. But…then…he…Now is the time to take a step back and observe how the Hollander will try to strangle himself with a tulip.

(7) Mills are inevitable.

(8) It is not necessary to fake interest for tulips, mills, wooden shoes or cheese. Every Hollander knows you came for the soft drugs and the Amsterdam red-light district. Both are widely spread and easy to find. Just ask any Hollander over age 6 or a French tourist. (See points 19 and 20)

(9) Avoid soccer fans at all times. Soccer in Holland is just an excuse to crush the skulls of practically everybody else, including yours. This mainly takes place when the game is lost…or tied…or won. It is extremely foolish to stand next to a cop during these festivities (see point 10) Also remember never to mention the 1974 cup finals near a Hollander. He will instantly pull you into a long-lasting litany about how good 'Orange' played then and how good…blablablabla…

(10)Cops in Holland are mainly used to throw stuff at. If you get the uncontrollable desire to hit someone, take on a cop. No Hollander will pay any attention if you hit a cop, put a knife in his cranium or firmly kick him in the butt. Cops represent authority and not one Hollander recognizes a higher authority then himself. You will notice the fact that most cops are actually foreigners that were lured into this job.

(11)Hollanders do not like spending money. They would rather cut of an ear. A Hollander will be your friend for life if you give him something for free. This might explain the great success of McDonalds in Holland. The story that copper wire is an invention of two Hollanders fighting over a found cent is absolutely true.

(12)Holland is small. It is sometimes rumoured that Holland is so small they take it inside when it's raining. This is not true because it rains 365 days a year. This also explains the wooden shoes: they float. Yes…Holland is small and Hollanders are very proud of it. They will use any opportunity to say that Holland accomplished such great things for such a small country. A fitting answer would be to refer to it's colonial past. Which brings us to point 13.

(13)If you want to insult a Hollander - and sooner or later you will want to - tell him you don't think he's a pacifist. Now start running for your life. He will not stop trying to prove he's the most peace-loving person in the world until your intestines are on the street. As mentioned earlier, mentioning the so-called colonial past in Suriname or Indonesia, will instantly reduce the Hollander to a sniffling child, begging for forgiveness.

(14)Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant. Nonsense. They just make too much money selling drugs and Malaysian women, to miss the opportunity to make so much profit.

(15)The most important way of public transportation in Holland is the bicycle. Feel free to take any bike of which you can pick the lock. Just don't expect your own bike to be in the same spot where you parked it 3 minutes earlier. Hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a year. Good luck!

(16)At almost every bread meal in Holland you will find a mean looking big knife with a sharp slide in it. It is called a 'kaasschaaf' and is used to cut very thin slices of cheese (Yes, it's a Dutch invention). Never cut cheese with a regular knife, you will make yourself completely ridiculous. Another typical eating tool is the so-called bottlescraper. Beware, don't use it for that annoying itch on your back. It's designed to scrape the last bits of yoghurt or mayonnaise out of the bottle. A Hollander will use every millimeter of the product he bought. He paid for it, he'll eat it, no matter what.

(17)At the time this was written, the Dutch economy was doing pretty good. Hollanders maintain the idea that this is the result of intensive negotiations between different parties like unions, employers and politicians. They even have a name for it: the poldermodel. One likes to convince foreigners this poldermodel is the key to a successful economy and if those same foreigners would be smart enough to follow their example, their economy would be flourishing as well. This is a load of crap. Hollanders just like to talk, talk, talk. By calling all this chattering negotiating they give themselves the impression they're doing something useful. Talk is never cheap in Holland.

(18)Hollanders drown fried patato-sticks (Chips) in litres of mayonnaise and put it in a pointed paper bag. This is called : Een patatje met. One such bag is able to keep you alive for an unlimited period of time. It is only uncertain if this is a life worth living. But there have been sightings of tourists actually enjoying a patatje met.

(19)Holland has a unique service for -mainly- France tourist. At the moment they pass the border, they are enthusiastically welcomed by youngsters in fast cars. These youngsters have the explicit wish to show these tourists the way to the many interesting tourist-attractions Holland has to offer. Strangly, they always end up in a coffee-shop or drug house though. (see point 20) Weird people, the French.

(20)There is a fast and foolproof way of embarrassing yourself in Holland.Enter a coffeeshop and ask for a cappuccino with a biscuit. Coffeeshops -remember this- do not sell coffee. They do however have a large variety of stimulating products at reasonable prices. For unknown reasons, coffeeshops are very popular amongst young French tourists.

(21)A 'Fries' is a sort of spare-Hollander that lives in the north in a province all for themselves. They love frozen water, Beerenburg (a form of euthanasia with alcohol) and endlessly pointing out that other Hollanders are not Fries. The rest of Holland looks at this behaviour the same way parents will look at an obstinate child.

(22)When it comes to what books to bring to Holland, I would advise the following:The complete works of William Shakespeare or a leather-bound part of the Encyclopaedia Brittanica (part Fr to He of the 1913 edition). Both books have about the proper weight to keep a pushy pimp or dealer away from you with a well aimed swing. After this I would advice you to drop the book since this greatly improves your speed during your getaway. Make sure you bring enough books.

(23)Don't bother renting a car. Not only will you be able to steal more bikes then you can use but car traffic in Holland is not something to enjoy. Where the rest of the world uses kilometres to express the lengths of traffic jams, in Holland these are measured in weeks. To be honest, the most steadfast ones are worth a visit. The sight of starving people in an expensive Mercedes can greatly improve your mood if your somewhat philosophical. Bring some pieces of bread to throw through the open windows. The fights over them are often very spectacular.

(24)In contradiction of many rumours, it is not legal to bring your mother in law to Holland for do-it-yourself euthanasia. Tourists are warned not to take matters into their own hands.

(25)Whether you're catholic, Muslim or worshipper of Urrrgl the god of all Honest politicians, in Holland it will be easy to find a church, temple or oak tree of your liking. Hollanders are supposed to be very tolerant to other religions and believes. This is not true. The only reason Holland has so much churches, sects or cults is the fact they have a difference in opinion about everything. A Hollander is always right (see point 6) and everyone that does not agree can beat it and start his own church.

(26)Holland is a kingdom.It just doesn't have a king but a queen and her husband is not king but a prince. The queen does not rule -much- but she's very capable in cutting ribbons and visiting other countries. She is also very decorative at state banquettes. Her son, the crown prince, will take over if she stops queening. His wife in turn will be queen so that Holland will finally have a king and queen again.April 30 is queensday but it is not the birthday of the queen but princes Juliana's, who used to be queen. With things like this it's only logical that more and more people want Holland to be a republic. Queensday, by the way, is just an excuse to drink lots of beer and sell all their old junk on the streets.

(27)It would be wise to learn how to swim before you come to Holland.No, the dikes will hold, that's not the problem, but the large amount of lakes, streams, rivers canals and creaks could lead to painful mistakes. That shiny new strip of asphalt you're turning on to with your car during rain might not be an asphalt road at all.

(28)Dutch painting.Dutch painters get famous after they die. This is a very sensible rule from the buyers point of view. Not only will the artist have to make a lot of paintings to earn a living, it also produces some very nice investments. The painters however do not share this opinion and in at least one case this lead to selfmutalation of an ear.

(29)If one of your Dutch friends invites you for a birthday, prepare for a unique experience. Unique in the way that you can only compare it to taking a seat in a wooden chair with a sharp nail driven trough the seat and afterwards not being able to move for a month. More then one foreigner has been driven to the brink of madness by attending a Dutch birthday. The regular Dutch birthday party consists mainly of sitting still and talking to others about your job, your car, politics and foreigners. You are expected to leave somewhere about 23:00 and you will be grateful you can.

(30)Holland has more cities then Amsterdam.There is…eh…and…Well, there are more cities.

(31)Dutch beer has built up quite reputation for itself. Some people even drink it! Brewing is on of the things Hollanders are traditionally very good at. Holland has never been a country where anything was more interesting then drinking yourself half blind or painting landscapes. This made the beer industry very popular rapidly. Expert say that once you've tasted Dutch beer like Heiniken, Grolsch or Amstel, all other kinds of beer taste like tap water in a lousy hotel.

(32)Dutch tap water is safe to drink. This is remarkable if you realise most of it comes from polluted rivers like the Rhine. Plans to improve the waterquality in the Rhine so that fish like the salmon can return there to mate, invokes a lot of protests from the Dutch. The idea of fish having sex in their drinking water upsets them.

(33)Dutch political debates are as boring as a 3-day lecture on famous Swedish sport heroes between 1762 and 1809.No shouting like 'Hear hear!!', no fistfights in front of a camera, not even politicians calling each other incompetent once in a while. (And there really are some amongst Dutch politicians). No, telling your opponent you have doubts about his policy is about the worst thing you can say. The result is that the interest for elections dropped drastically amongst Dutch voters. At the last voting only two elects showed up. The first one got lost on his way to the toilet and the second one was an illegal refugee who thought he came to the right place to get a visa.


A little bit of fun

An Irish Woman writing to her son in England

Dear Tom

This is your dear old mother writing to you. There is not a lot of news since you left. It's wet but not as wet as it was really wet. I'am writing this slow as I know you can't read fast. Excuse the writing - I had an accident, burnt my finger in boiling water. All my own fault, I should have felt the water before I put the finger in it. I am feeling better since you went away, went to see a doctor and got wonderful medicine for my deafness. I took it on Friday night and it was so good that I heard from Uncle Hughie in Australia on Saturday morning. I feel 25 years younger and your father is delighted. Your brother Ernie came in crying from school this evening because all his Pals have new clothes. We can't afford to buy him a new outfit so we are going to buy a new hat and let him look out of the window. We had a row with the Electric Light Company - it ended in a draw - we get no light and they get no money. It is dark but not as dark as when it is really dark. We are hard up son, send us a few quid - it will only cost you fivepence. Your father met the Landlord at the dogs the other day. He asked him about last week's rent. Your father said to forget about last week's rent and worry about this week's - it is running in the third race. Our neighbours the Browns started to keep pigs - we only got wind of them this morning. Friday night was wet, we went to bed early. Mr Higgins got his appendix out and a new kitchen sink in. The kat had kittens in your fathers's hat. I took them out and put them in a box in case they grew up round shouldered. The undertaker called and said that if the last instalment isn't paid on your Mother-in-Law, up she comes. Your father has got worms and has gone fishing. We heard that Anne passed away, your Granny died, and Fanny married a butcher, so now you have no Annie, no Granny and no Fanny. Your Uncle Mike was out walking with his dog and a Policeman asked him to produce his dog Licence. He told the policeman he had ten children and was out of work and his wife was having another baby. But the Policeman said that if he does'tn produce the licence within twenty hours, the dog would be destroyed. So Uncle Mike produced the licence the next day, and the Policeman asked him "you're out of work, where did you get the money for the licence?" He said "Ha Ha! I sold the dog". Your father has a good job now, the first in 14 years. We are a great deal better off than we were. Your father gets $10 every Thursday so we're in for a bit of fixing up. We bought one of those new fangled things they call bathroom that you hear of in some houses. It is put in by a man called a plumber. On one side of the room is a long thing like you used to feed the pigs in before you went away. We jump in that an wash all over. Just near that is a small one they call a sink. That is for light washing such as the hands and face. Ah, but over the corner is the nicest contraption of all. You put one foot in and wash it clean and then pull a little chain and you get fresh water for the other foot. Two covers go with it and we had no use for them in the bathroom so I use one for a breadboard and the other has a hole in it so we framed your Granny's picture. They send a big roll of writing paper with it. This is what I am using now Son, to write to you. Take care of yourse.

Mum


IRISHMAN’S LETTER TO THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH & SOCIAL SECURITY - IN RESPECT OF RECEIVING THE AIDS LEAFLET

Dear Sir,

I have just received the AIDS leaflet through my door and I would like to apply straight away for AIDS. I have been on the dole for the past ten years, and have been living on benefits, and other State Aid I could get. It now seems that I will be getting aid for sex. It’s a pity this AIDS hascome so late, as I have 15 kids and wondered if you will be paying me any back payments.
Your leaflet states that the more sex I have, the more chance I have of getting AIDS. My only problem here is persuading the wife who is not so keen after 15 kids. Several years ago I bought some sex aids but she showed little interest and the were hardly used. Would there be any chance of a refund for the $17.28 I paid for these gadgets? Anyway I will now explain to her that the Government will now be paying up for all the sex we have, and I’m sure she will agree that we can’t let a chance like this slip by.
You also state that I can pass my AIDS on, but as you will understand with a wife and 15 kids to feed, there won’t be much left to pass on. If by any chance there is a bit left, I will pass this to my poor old mother-in-law who only has her pension.
I understand from your leaflet that I can get AIDS through a blood transfusion and I intend to write to my local hospital straight away to see if I can have one. Will the AIDS I get from the hospital be deducted from the AIDS I get from you? Perhaps you will write and let me know.
I am a firm believer in getting every aid from the country I can get and I’m sure you”ll agree that by my past performance I do qualify for this one.
Could you let me know how much I will be paid each time and will it be weekly or monthly payments.

Yours faitfully

P.S. Yours faitfully

Your advert is great, I certainly won’t die of ignorance.
I know my rights


THE NEW PRIEST

A new priest at his first Mass was so scared he could hardly speak.
After the service he asked the monseigneur how he had done
"Fine - but next week it might help you if a little Vodka or Gin was put in you water to relax you".
The next week the new priest put Vodka in his water and really kicked up a storm. After Mass he asked the Monseigneur how he had done this time.
"Fine" he said "but next week there are a few things you should correct".

  • There are 10 commandments - not twelve
  • There are twelve disciples not ten
  • David slew Goliath - he didn't kick the shit out of him
  • We don't refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
  • Next Saturday there will be a taffy contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's
  • The Father, Son and the Holy Ghost are not Big Daddy, Junior and Spook
  • Moses parted the water at the Red Sea - he did not pass water
  • We do not refer to Judas as El Finko
  • The Pope is consecrated - not castrated and we do not refer to him as the Godfather
  • When the multitude were fed with loaves and fishes Jesus did not mention chips


SCOTCH WHISKY

Scotland's Gift to the world

Here is a cutting from an old magazine:-
I had eighteen bottles of wishy in my cellar and was told by my wife to empty the contents of each and every bottle down the sink, or else.
I said I would and proceeded with the unpleasant task.
I withdrew the cork from the first bottle and poured the contents down the sink with the exception of one glass which I drank. Extracted the cork from the second bottle and did likewise with it with the exception of the one glass which I drank.
I then withdrew the cork from the third bottle and poured the whisky down the sink which I drank
I pulled the cork from the fourth bottle down the sink and poured the bottle down the glass, which I drank. I pulled the bottle from the cork of the next and drank one sink out of it, and threw the rest down the glass.
I pulled the sink out of the next glass and poured the cork down the bottle.
Then I corked the sink with the glass, bottled the drink and drank the pour.
When I had everything emptied I steadied the house with one hand, counted the glasses, corks, bottle and sinks with the other which were twenty-nine, and as the house came by, I counted them again, and finally had all the houses in one bottle , which I drank.
I'm not under the affluence of incohol, as some tinkle peep I am. I'm not half as thunk as you might drink. I fool so feelish I don't know who is me and the drunker stand here the longer I get. Oh, me